The Power of Abuse That Was

How the stories of survivors play a crucial role in abuse prevention.

A few weeks ago, I spoke at a wonderful Baptist church called Covenant in Shepherdstown, West Virginia. I spoke about what it was like to grow up in a “Christian” home-schooling family with an abusive father. I recounted how all our friends and church leaders at the time had believed my dad was saved. He had studied the Bible, taught Sunday School, and could hold his own in debates with theologians. But he also beat his daughter. He lived in sexual sin. He used God’s Word to manipulate his wife and children into obedience and silence.

Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon story.

After my speech, several men in the congregation told me about their own abusive childhoods. Women also spoke with me, and not just about their childhoods, but about bad relationships, abusive ex-husbands, and how their children had been victimized too.

So often, we speak about abuse prevention in the context of security cameras, safety policies, and background checks. We are right to do so. Protecting our children – at church, at school, at home, and wherever they go – is a sacred trust from God.

However, a major piece of prevention is making sure victims feel safe to speak the truth. When we boldly and openly provide sanctuary and help for the afflicted, it puts would-be abusers and predators on notice. When victims feel safe, abusers do not.

There are many child abuse survivors in my parent’s and grandparent’s generations. A large percentage of them have never spoken about what they’ve endured. They’ve never received the help, encouragement, therapy, or prayers they needed. They’ve remained silent and alone in a culture that considers abuse taboo. Because many churches have allowed that culture to prevail, the wounded limp along, and evil is enabled.

A few years ago, Jason and I sat around a table with a pastor and some friends from a former church. The pastor asked us to share our testimonies, and when it came my turn, I shared a nutshell PG version of what God had saved me out of; domestic violence, sexual abuse, and child abuse.

Afterwards, the pastor took me aside and chided me. He claimed that I make people feel uncomfortable when I talk about my past. Abuse, he said, is taboo. I replied that sometimes people need to feel uncomfortable, and the truth is the truth even when it’s unpopular.

But abuse should never be a taboo topic in the church. Abuse is a genre of sin. It’s sins that are intended to hurt and control others. The Bible speaks plainly about abusive sins; violence, deception, lust, and sexual perversion are recurring topics. Sin is why we need Jesus. Sin is why God sent his only begotten Son to live a perfect life and pay the penalty for our sins. To deny that abuse exists is to deny that sin exists is to deny our need for a Savior. To cover up abuse is to condone evil and reject Christ.

Slowly but surely, cultural lies are coming undone. Covenant Church in Shepherdstown is proof of that. Every church that cares, every conference that confronts sin, and every hidden truth revealed is proof of that. When survivors feel safe talking about their past, it’s proof The Shepherd is near.

One of the most important things we can do today is talk about abuse that was. Stories some may write off saying, “it was no big deal,” “it happened so long ago,” and “those were different times,” actually have tremendous power. Yes, safety policies, background checks, and security systems are important – vital even – but they will be ineffectual without a foundation of truth.

It’s not enough to check off a box on an insurance form, or demand that every volunteer watch a series of educational videos. There must be heart-change. There must be a cultural shift.  Like Christ, we must embrace little children, defend the oppressed, and run out opportunists who take advantage of God’s people. Otherwise, abusers will simply look at our child protection policies as an obstacle course to overcome, knowing their victims will never tell.

This is what Covenant Church in Sherpherdstown is doing so well. They talk about abuse. They’re open about truth. They welcome and support the victim and survivor. Suffering is not taboo and pain is not shameful.

They opened their doors to their community, and I’m guessing we had around 90 women attend our Sunday evening conference. A few attendees told me I was the first person they’d ever told they were abused. It’s not because abuse is a fun thing to talk about. It’s because the truth is freeing, and when we speak truth, we break the cycle of lies and any power our abusers still have over us. And this is why I do what I do. This is why I sacrifice weekends to sit in airports and hotels instead of staying home with my kids. Because this is life-altering, hell-shaking, culture-shifting work.

Not only do we want to uplift and minister to victims and survivors, but we want to send a loud and clear message to abusers that they are not welcome here. They can repent and change, sure. But otherwise, stay away, because we do not tolerate evil.