The Most Comforting Heartbreaking Verse in the Bible
When following Jesus means walking away from parents, spouses, and people we love.
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One of the most common questions I hear from abuse victims is, “When is it OK to cut off my abuser?” And when they say abuser, they usually mean their father, mother, or spouse.
In Christian circles, we’re often pressured to “forgive,” which many assume means reconciliation and the erasure of all consequences. That’s all fine and dandy if we’re talking about someone who spilled coffee on your couch or stole your lunch from the fridge at work. It’s a completely different matter when we’re talking about serious evils that inflict trauma, spiritual damage, or are ongoing patterns of behavior.
Nevertheless, naïve Christians may say things like, “You only get one dad,” as if God isn’t our Abba Father. Or perhaps, “God hates divorce,” as if the reason isn’t because God hates abuse, infidelity, and abandonment - the exact kind of sin Jesus says is grounds for divorce.
Jesus never teaches us to tolerate evil.
Sure, if we genuinely repent of our sins, God will forgive us, work change in our hearts, and take us to Heaven. The eternal consequences of our sins are utterly removed, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences in this life.
Only God can read minds.
Only God can change hearts.
Only God can forgive sins.
You and I cannot do these things, and Jesus doesn’t expect us to.
I can forgive someone for offending me, but I can’t apply the atoning blood of Jesus to their souls. That’s between them and God. A violent person may tell me that they are sorry, but why should I believe that they have suddenly become safe? A perverse person may ask for forgiveness, but that does not entitle them to my trust.
After all, Jesus said, “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” In other words, know the tricks of the devil but stay in the light of the Spirit.
But the most comforting and heartbreaking verse in the Bible, at least to me, is Matthew 19:29. In it, Jesus makes us a beautiful, bittersweet promise.
He says, “Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or [spouse] or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and inherit eternal life.”
It is no accident that he said these words shortly after teaching about divorce. It is no coincidence that he promised this after warning the disciples, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them.”
I remember dealing with my dad during my early marriage and thinking, “I can’t be a mentally stable wife and endure my dad’s mind-games.” A similar situation occurred years later with another family member. I realized, “I can’t be an emotionally present mom and deal with all this drama.”
I thought, “One more betrayal and I may lose my faith in God.” And, “If they keep treating me this way, I may become suicidal.”
If you are currently feeling any of these ways, know that you can follow Jesus out of this situation. There is help for you. There is hope and joy ahead of you.
Do not let abusers get between you and your Loving Father. Do not let wicked people hinder you from resting in Jesus. Do not let cruel people crush your soul or rob you of your ability to feel loved by God.
When we are forced to choose between being faithful, loving, and responsible people, and tolerating abuse, the choice must always be Jesus.
Jesus wants us to be loving and caring.
Jesus wants us to be faithful and responsible.
Jesus wants his little children to come to him.
If anyone hinders you, leave them behind.
This will not be an easy choice. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. But God sees you. God loves you. When we leave our homes, our families, our jobs, or our communities for his sake, we are promised “a hundred times as much and … eternal life” with him.
These words echo a promise from a very old passage. Psalm 1:1-3 says, “Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked, or stand in the way that sinners take, or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither — whatever they do prospers.”
What are abusers if not sinners? What are predators if not the wicked? What are verbal or psychological abusers if not mockers? You are not required to associate with such people, let alone trust them. Even after the Apostle Paul was saved, God spoke to Ananias, verifying the authenticity of Paul’s salvation, exactly because Jesus doesn’t expect us to trust dangerous people.
And who knows? Perhaps experiencing the consequences of their actions is the rock-bottom an abuser needs to see their sin, repent, and get help. Perhaps encountering righteous refusal is what God will finally use to break through their pride.
Some of us are quickly driven to repentance when we see the pain or trouble we’ve caused. Others need to get kicked out of the garden, exiled from our homeland, or put out to pasture before God breaks through our darkness.
Even then though, God’s mercy is not guaranteed. It may be that, after cutting our abuser out of our life, they remain stubborn and selfish, wallowing in sin. You may find yourself grieving them as if they had died.
Whatever happens, do not let anyone guilt-trip or shame you into letting a dangerous person back into your life. And definitely don’t let abusers manipulate their way around your kids. Heaven has walls because God himself has relationship boundaries.
It is not your job to save your abuser’s soul, or soften their heart, or change their mind.
Sometimes we really have to let go and let God.
If you are in danger, please call 911. If you are experiencing abuse but are currently in a safe place, I strongly encourage you to contact law enforcement, get advice, and file a police report. You may also contact the Domestic Violence Hotline by phone, chat, or text for advice, help, and local resources.
The Expulsion from Eden is a painting by John Roddam Spencer Stanhope (1829–1908).
Thanks for writing this. It’s a shame your common sense isn’t more common. Just last month, an OPC session stated to me that God won’t forgive my sins if I don’t forgive and reconcile with a remorseless, unrepentant, unreflective abuser who is a member in good standing, despite multiple adverse court orders and rulings pertaining to mistreatment of children and dependents. Months ago, the police advised me otherwise (stay away!); it’s just common sense. In fact, forgiving and reconciling with unrepentant, remorseless abusers may be a violation of the 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th commandments.
I had a glimmer of hope reading this thinking, wow! maybe Matthew 19 also applies to leaving a church out of conviction for God's word. It's a grief I mostly can't find words to describe, and I'm still struggling 7 years out! So hard. Thanks for your article!