If You Love Me: Parenting Resolutions for 2023
Happy New Year! Have you figured out how to get candy cane out of carpet yet?
If you’re a parent, your kids have gotten on your last nerve before. As we near the end of Christmas break, I’m guessing I’m not the only one actively working to hold your tongue, keep your temper, and enjoy this time despite the candy cane in the carpet. There’s only so much mess, noise, and havoc one person can take, and our children have a unique ability to reveal our limits and test our buttons. I’ve certainly learned, over the past ten years, exactly how much patience I have and what triggers Hulk-Jenn.
Unlike Bruce Banner’s alter-ego, Hulk-Jenn isn’t green, cool, or destructive. Mostly, she yells, rage-cleans, and tells everyone to go to their rooms. Subsequently, I’ve been working on understanding what triggers Hulk-Jenn, and how to manage that nasty rush of adrenaline when the kids are dancing on my last thread of self-control.
I also have residual PTSD from abuse in my own childhood. While I’ve recovered from most of the trauma, I still experience anxiety. Because of this, I particularly have to teach my kids to avoid stressing me out. We all do, really. I used to feel guilty that sudden loud noises, sneaking up behind me, or incessant screaming made me anxious. I aspire to be a peaceful mother for my kids, but the reality is, while my reactions may be heightened, everyone finds obnoxious behaviors obnoxious.
Nobody wants to listen to The Gummy Bear Song on repeat 500 times. Nobody wants to step on slimy bananas in their socks. Nobody likes having someone creep up behind them to pop a balloon. It’s just not nice. So, while I may feel like I’m teaching my kids to avoid my triggers, I’m actually just teaching them to be socially acceptable.
Beyond teaching, parenting involves what some call discipline. If, like me, you had less-than ideal parents, you’ve probably wondered, “How do I discipline my kids in a way that’s healthy, and in a way that doesn’t trigger my own trauma?” It’s a good question, because whether our parents were merely unsaved, moderately dysfunctional, or full-blown abusive, we’ve got a lengthy list of what not to do, and a short list of somewhat good ideas.
My mom used to make us home-cooked family dinners. That’s a good idea, and something I’ve incorporated. My dad sometimes took me on nature hikes to teach me about plants and animals. That’s wonderful and something I enjoy with my own children. However, my parents spanked me, sometimes so hard I had hand-shaped bruises and welts. My dad used his violent fits of rage to terrify and bully us into obedience. So, I do not spank my children or use threats of pain to inflict fear. I want my kids to obey me because they love me and want to be good, not because they’re afraid of me.
So, what to do? How do I discipline if spanking is off the table? How can parents shepherd without bullying or lead without controlling?
Methods of Discipline
Sending my kids to their rooms as a punishment received mixed results. My oldest sat on her bed crying until her 20 minutes was up, but then acted grumpy and offended for the rest of the day. My youngest had a blast playing by herself. In fact, she ended up staying in her room for several hours longer than I asked her to.
What’s interesting is, while sending them to their rooms as a punishment backfired, giving them “simmer-down time” works wonders. If my kids are bickering or cantankerous, I may tell them, “Go be by yourself in your room for 20 minutes and take some time to calm down. Read a book, color, or play. After that, when we’re all calm, we can talk about what’s happened.”
It’s not a punishment. It’s an exercise in self-control. My goal is to teach them to recognize when they’ve become overwrought and how to step back, manage their emotions, and avoid escalation.
Sometimes taking away a privilege works; confiscating a video game, makeup set, or toy for a term can teach them cause and effect. However, in order for this technique to work, I’ve found that I have to spell it out clearly beforehand. Like God in the Old Testament, I have to make little covenants. “If you clean your room by 3PM, I’ll make chocolate chip cookies. But if you do not clean your room, I will not make cookies, and we won’t watch any TV tonight.”
The overarching disciplinary philosophy I’m still learning is biblical discipline. It’s the idea that I am not here to punish my kids, but to teach them, train them, and equip them for life. Jesus himself uses this approach as he disciples. You may notice that discipline and disciple come from the same Latin root word, discipulus, which means pupil as well as follower of Christ, and apostle. This should inform our priorities and goals.
In his own discipleship, Jesus sometimes told hard truths, but primarily, he was gentle, patient, and focused on communication with his disciples. He clearly wants his hearers to understand, not merely obey him. He’s concerned with the posture of our hearts, not just the acts of our hands.
And so, biblical discipline isn’t about punishment or control. After all, Jesus took the punishment for our transgressions on the cross. He paid the price for our sin and for our children’s sin so that we could be shepherded and shepherd gently. The goal of biblical discipline is to teach and equip. It’s discipline in the sense of an athlete being trained so they can stay strong and endure challenges. Paul uses this language in 1 Corinthians 9:24-27:
“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.”
If my kids are tiny spiritual athletes, that makes me their spiritual coach. My goal is not to punish, control, or dominate them. Rather, my goal is to train, equip, and strengthen them to be the best possible expression of who God designed them to be.
That’s what Proverbs 22:6 is talking about when it says, “Train up a child in the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not depart from it.”
The “way they should go” is more than just reading the Bible, attending church, and praying. It’s the child’s God-given design; their talents, personality, and the way they think and learn. When we focus on building up our child’s natural strengths, working within the blueprints of the way their mind works, we train them up after God’s own plan for them. We aren’t guaranteed they’ll be saved. We aren’t promised they’ll always make good choices. But we will have equipped them to be, for lack of a better phrase, the best version of themselves.
Jesus-Modeled Parenting
My oldest is a natural born leader and aspires to be a teacher. I want to nurture that and help her maximize her potential. My middle child is compassionate and inordinately thoughtful. I want to build her up and help her find ways to take care of others. My youngest is wildly imaginative and innovative. I want to support her passion for storytelling and making people laugh.
I want to teach my kids self-control, not how to be controlled; to understand right from wrong and be strategic in their behavior, not mindlessly do what they’re told “because I said so,” or even because “God said so.” After all, if they don’t understand the reasoning behind our instruction, they won’t be able to make moral choices on their own. They may go through the motions, or imitate the appearance of morality, but as Paul puts it, they’ll be running aimlessly and beating the air. They’ll have been taught how take a test, but not how to think.
And so, our goal as spiritual coaches is to teach our tiny athletes God’s rationality. We train them to run the race with endurance; not just jump through hoops or hit the punching bag harder. We want them to understand the correct spiritual posture, technique, strategy, and logic behind our instruction.
But how do we do this?
Well, this is a question I’ve been studying for some time. But I don’t think parenting is something you ever stop learning. Every child is different. Every developmental milestone brings new challenges. Our parenting must evolve and adapt with the child as they mature. Subsequently, some disciplinary techniques are personalized. For example, confiscating my pre-teen’s phone for a week gets through to her, but sending her to her room does not. Having a calm conversation with my 8-year-old gets through to her, but punishments make her feel unloved. Logically explaining to my 6-year-old why she shouldn’t prank her daddy by leaving an actual cat turd by his shoes ensures she’ll use Nutella instead. Oh well. It was a pretty funny joke.
Some techniques do have more broad application. For example, instead of threatening, nagging, or yelling at my kids to obey, I’m trying (emphasis on trying) to imitate Jesus as much as possible. For one thing, Jesus often told his disciples, “If you love me, keep my commands,” (John 14:15) and, “Do you love me? … feed my sheep” (John 21:15). And so, when I correct my kids, I’m paraphrasing his words. After I’ve told the kids several times to brush their teeth and they still haven’t, I may tell them, “If you love me, you need to obey me,” or “Show your mommy that you love me by doing what I ask.”
At first, this approach felt awkward to me. The last thing I want to do is come across as manipulative, or make my kids feel like they have to prove that they love me. However, if the sinless Son of God could speak these words in love, I can emulate his posture. Plus, it’s lead to some downright hilarious sentences that have made all of us laugh:
“If you love me, mute Minecraft.”
“If you love me, stop opening and closing that door for no reason.”
“If you love me, don’t you dare paint the cat.”
“If you love me, stop saying ‘fart.’ You’ve said it at least 50 times in a row by now and you’re about to break my brain.”
I’ve noted that this approach also empowers my kids by giving them a way to express themselves. Children are by nature affectionate and expressive little people. They draw pictures for you, prepare Play-Doh dinners, and offer to snuggle during movies largely because they want to show you that they love you. By making obedience a way for them to express themselves, we can equip and empower them to express their feelings in a way that’s healthy and contributes to our family.
If cleaning their room was a punishment, it would be done out of shame and probably begrudgingly. But if cleaning their room is a way to express love and pitch in, it becomes something the child can take pride in and accomplish willingly. It teaches them that we help because we love, we serve because we love, and we work hard because we love.
And love is the most important thing we can ever teach our children.