Defiant Joy
Clinging to joy even amid suffering, stress, and difficult circumstances.
If I’ve been a little quiet over the past few weeks, it’s because I’m in the final stages of editing my upcoming book, Defiant Joy. This is my last chance to make major changes, so I’m reading it through from beginning to end, making sure everything flows logically and smoothly, and that I answered all the questions I can anticipate from readers like you!
Once I’m done, a saint with the publisher will go through and fix all my errant commas, but this sweep is my last chance to really sculpt the work.
No pressure, right?
During this process, I’ve learned something important about myself. And I’ve learned some things about the emotion we sometimes call “anxiety.”
I used to think that my anxiety was 100% a flaw and a burden. I thought that I was second-guessing, overthinking, and doubting my own judgement because I’m insecure and damaged. I asked other people for advice because I feared being wrong. I never only have a Plan A, but also a Plan B, Plan C, and a Plan “Oh-Well-We-Tried-Let’s-Be-OK-With-That.” I tend to expect everything to go horribly wrong, and I viewed this as a symptom of PTSD from suffering abuse.
All of that’s true.
But there’s a flipside to my anxiety. It’s definitely a burden, and it can be a flaw, but it can also be a rare and vital strength.
Because you see, I’m cautious and thoughtful. God made me this way.
I remember as a child, probably about five years old, taking swimming lessons at the YMCA in Memphis, Tennessee. One day, my instructor was trying to teach me how to jump off the diving board. Despite all my little classmates cheering me on, I gripped the edge of the board with my toes and would not jump. After a few minutes, one of the other swim instructors, a friendly young man with tattoos, swam under the diving board and offered to catch me. I had never seen tattoos. I also didn’t know this guy. So now, I was being asked - not only to jump from some height into the deep end of the pool - but into the arms of a strange man covered in pictures and words I couldn’t read. I had too many questions. There were too many variables. I refused to take that leap of faith.
Had I jumped in that moment, I’d have been totally fine. That nice young man would have caught five-year-old me, he’d have swam with me to the edge, and it would be a nice memory. But that same caution has also spared me from many awkward and risky situations throughout my life. I’ve never been in a car accident or gotten a ticket. I’ve never broken a bone besides a toe. I’ve never made a major purchase I’ve regretted, and I’ve never clicked the link in a scam email.
It turns out that having a cautious nature actually spares you from a lot of pain and misery. Like any personal trait, it has to be managed, developed, and sometimes reigned in.
In Defiant Joy, I talk about how different aspects of our personalities can be used for good or misused to form bad habits and behavioral ruts. I’ve been teaching this concept to my kids a lot lately too. For example, a child’s tendency to follow all the rules could lead them to tattle on their siblings and boss other kids around, or to become a great leader and organizer of teams and projects. It is not our God-given natures and emotions, but how we use and express them, that is either healthy or unhealthy, good or bad, or righteous or sinful.
And this is what I’ve learned about my anxiety. Part of it is trauma resultant from my past. Part of it is just how I’m wired as a human being. Yes, it’s a byproduct of PTSD, but it’s also a superpower when used well under the right circumstances. I can leverage my anxiety - my sense of caution and hyper-vigilance - to do good. Though often bothersome (it’s contributed to many a sleepless night and stressful day), it also enables me to:
Assess multiple angles of a situation and plan for multiple outcomes
Analyse a project, such as my book, and make sure it’s as solid as possible
Organize and plan projects to give them the best chance of success
Take measures to avoid a lot of misunderstandings, mistakes, and negative consequences
By recognizing that my flaws can also be virtues and my weaknesses can also be strengths, I can exercise them in positive directions so that I can grow stronger and wiser. By finding the positive I can fuel the positive, and the negative naturally decreases.
I’ll talk about this more in-depth in Defiant Joy, (which I hope you’ll pre-order when the time comes!) but here’s the concept in a nutshell. Rather than struggling against negative emotions (such as stress, anger, impatience, and worry), it’s much easier and more effective to focus on their positive flipside.
If we’re impatient with ourselves for being impatient, we’re being impatient. If we’re angry at ourselves for losing our temper, we’re continuing the pattern of anger. If we’re stressed over trying not to be stressed, we’re creating the very problem we’re trying to avoid.
So, I find, that if I focus on developing my inner peace, patience, organizational skills, and forethought, my anxiety inverts and flips. My second-guessing develops into strategic thinking. My worry grows into wisdom. When we focus on the positive, we become more positive. When we focus on the negative, we give the negative power over us.
As I finish up these final edits, I feel a great deal of pressure. I want Defiant Joy to help as many people as possible as much as possible. My first book, Not Forsaken, is aimed to help abuse survivors heal and their loved ones support them. That’s a broad audience. Defiant Joy will branch even farther.
Because we’ve all suffered. We’ve all grieved. Whether we’ve lost a loved one, a job, a relationship, a community, a pet, our health, our dream … From the greatest tragedy to the smallest mishap, we’ve all suffered and we all grieve. And sometimes, lots and lots of little losses can add up to crush us. Like 10,000 pebbles forming an avalanche, little disappointments can combine to wear us out and break us down. Knowing how to navigate and recover from hardship is vital so we can arrive at peace and joy in Jesus Christ.
Anyway, before I write a third book, I’ll sign off here, but I wanted to give you a little glimpse into the world of Defiant Joy. I really hope you’ll enjoy it, and that all my edits are used by God to reach another heart or sink grace a little deeper in.
Much love,
Jenn